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7 Essential NLP Tools For Successful Living

Sarah, an ex-work colleague of mine was the unluckiest person I have ever met. If something was going to go wrong, it would go wrong to her, and she would come into the office every morning with a new story about how her life sucked. Some people believe that they are just unlucky in life… But I’m here to tell you that it’s got nothing to do with luck!

A few years ago, Kate and I decided to buy a new car. The deal was that I would choose the car, and Kate would choose the colour. I chose a Mini Cooper because I absolutely loved the car – cool enough to get some looks, but not too swanky to look like a poser. When deciding on the colour Kate chose Yellow, with black stripes on the front. She had never seen a yellow mini with black stripes before, except for the one in the showroom – and that was going to be the car for us. “Let’s be different” I remember her saying. Yellow wasn’t my first choice in colour, but like Kate, I wanted something a little different and I had to admit that I hadn’t seen a yellow mini with black stripes before either. We saved up like crazy and the day finally arrived when the new car was ready for collection. We arrived into the showroom early, signed over our lives and collected our new and unique motor. We were so excited when we got in and felt so special – we imagined everyone looking at it – it was the only yellow mini with black stripes in the showroom and now it was ours…

As I waited to drive out of the main gates of the showroom I couldn’t believe my eyes. Another yellow mini flashed it’s lights at us to let us out, and then as we got onto the motorway, I spotted another yellow mini and this one had black stripes just like ours, and another coming off the flyover as we got to our junction and all of these yellow minis started to appear as if from nowhere. It was as if they had all been hiding in garages until we got ours, and then they all came out to taunt us! There are yellow mini’s everywhere, and there always were, it was just a matter of focusing on them. You see, energy flows where our focus goes. Because we had suddenly focused on our yellow mini, we started to notice them elsewhere in our world.

For Sarah, the big dark cloud was always over her because that’s what she focused on, and so that’s what she always noticed – It became like a focus habit…

If you focus on what you want in your life, you start to notice more opportunities that support you – they are always there, and the more you focus on them, the more energy you will put into them and the more you will see them… I bet you see a yellow mini today for example simply because you have opened your awareness to them through my story…! How many opportunities are out there for you too?

Step 1:

Know who you are…

The Dalai Lama said that “Self-knowledge is a vital stage on the path towards enlightenment…” Knowing who you are is an essential part of successful living. Think of the people you know who truly know who they are and are comfortable with themselves. I saw Tom Hanks on the Jonathan Ross show the other night and I thought to myself, “yep, he really is comfortable with who he is.” It’s like he knows his true purpose on the planet – to inspire others through his acting. He takes on so many different characters in his acting, but he is always able to be himself outside of the film.

I would like to introduce you to a model that helps me on my path to learning about myself. I think it’s also helpful when thinking about your life’s success. It was created by Robert Dilts from the work done by Gregory Bateson. I refer to this model on a daily basis to make sure I am aligned on each level, both in my business and personal life. To get closer to successful living you should have alignment and congruency on each of the levels I explain below. As you get closer into the identity, you get closer to finding who you really are and beyond who you are, you find your purpose in life and what connection you have to the world.

An all important question to ask yourself is: Who am I when the lights are off? If your answer is different to when the lights are on, or when you are working, when you are with your family, when you are with friends or when you are alone, then you will have some misalignment on one of the different levels.

Check in with each level and ask yourself the following questions:

Environment: The where & when. Are you in the right place? Do you dress like a successful person? Who else is around you and effected by you?

Behaviour: The what. What do you do? What thoughts and actions do you have in relation to your success? If you saw your behaviours from the outside, would they be aligned to the behaviours you would like to see from someone living a successful life?

Skills & Capabilities: The how. What skills do you have and need? How will you achieve your dreams?

Beliefs & values: The why. Why is success important to you? What do you believe about yourself? What do you value about your success?

Identity: The who. Who are you? Who aren’t you? Who is success around you? Who do you want to be?

Purpose: Beyond Identity. What is your purpose on this planet? What is beyond you and your success? What is your highest intention of living a successful life?

I think these questions are so useful when you consider who you are and set out on the journey of self discovery. People who live a successful life, whatever that means to them, always have alignment on each of these levels…

Step 2:

Knowing what you want

For many people, they know what they don’t want and often struggle with what they do want. When I ask the question to delegates on my courses “If you could have anything in your life, what do you want”, I often hear the replies “Well, I don’t want to be broke anymore.” or “I don’t want to be single forever.” or “Well, if I could lose 2 stone in weight, that would be amazing”. I rarely hear “I want to be successful in business”, or “I want to find my perfect partner”, or “I want to be 2 stone lighter and feel healthier”. For many, even coming up with an answer can be difficult. The thing is, how can we ever get what we want, if we don’t know what it is?

I fly to India every 4 months to visit an orphanage in Kerala and make sure that all of my courses are planned around my trip. I usually book my tickets 3 to 4 months in advance because they tend to be cheaper that way. I enjoy flying with a certain airline and I like to stay in the same hotel room when I visit – the one with air conditioning. I like to have my whole trip planned so that I know it’s going to happen and that I’m prepared for it. I often find that if I don’t plan it, or think of it happening, I miss out and don’t get to go.

When I get to the airport before my trip I am sent to a specific lounge, to catch a specific plane going to my specific destination. I understand that the pilot uses some sort of air navigation system which involves successfully piloting my aircraft from place to place without getting lost. I’m thankful for this! I don’t imagine though getting to the airport, getting on a random plane and ending up in a random place. Although this may sound exciting to some – it’s only exciting if we are lucky enough to end up in the destination we first thought we were going to, rather than perhaps somewhere like Afghanistan right now… It’s amazing that we plan our holidays so successfully, but often forget to plan our life trips, or our goals. Remember, if energy flows where focus goes, we should put our energy into what we do want, rather than what we don’t want, so that we channel our energy into our goals and dreams.

Our great Olympians in the 2012 Olympics will already have won their race many times over… In their mind of course, but they will be mentally rehearsing for the sport that they are entering for in the 2012 games. You see, the unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between what is real, and what is imagined – that’s why our dreams often seem so real. The more we mentally rehearse, the better our results. England’s victory in the 2003 rugby world cup was a great example of this. That final kick by Johnny Wilkinson to win the game wasn’t the first time England won the world cup rugby – not in his mind anyway…

Ask yourself the following questions to help you find your outcome and be more specific about what you really want to achieve when you’re successfully living…

What specifically do you want in the next 5 years? (State this in the Positive)

How will you know when you are succeeding / have succeeded?

Where, When and with whom?

What resources do you have to achieve this?

Can you start and maintain this outcome?

What are the wider consequences?

Is the outcome in keeping with who you are?

How do your outcomes fit together?

What will you do next?

What will happen if you achieve it?

What won’t happen if you achieve it?

What will happen if you don’t achieve it?

What won’t happen if you don’t achieve it?

Step 3:

Change your physiology!

Have you ever noticed that when people seem upset they tend to look down and their body language is all slumped over? I guess that’s where the phrase “Down in the dumps” comes from…

Try this; Think of something that is mildly upsetting for you, some sort of negative emotion, perhaps you were stuck in traffic, or there was something on the news this morning that made you feel a bit grumpy. Slump over like your ‘down in the dumps’ and think about that for just a moment…

OK… Enough of that. Now stand up, feet shoulder width apart and look up to the ceiling. Now put a big smile on your face and really show your teeth, imagine you are at a dental conference and smile as hard as you can showing your teeth… As you do that, now try and think of that negative emotion… Seems different?

So here’s why… Our breathing affects our physiology. As we breath in, our torso goes up and changes our physiology and our physiology directly affects our emotions. And as we have all experienced from time to time, our emotions have a direct impact on our behaviours. The better we feel, the more positive our behaviours, the more action we take… Moment by moment we can choose how we feel simply by changing our breathing and our physiology – it’s all connected. The more you become aware of your breathing, the more control you have over it and the more you can instantly change your physiology, which changes your emotions and then you can change your behaviours. It’s not rocket science, but it’s amazing how many people go around in a negative state blaming everyone and everything but themselves, and all they need to do is become aware of their own internal state… We are in control of that, nobody else!

It’s easy to spot in others. The real trick is to have enough self awareness to recognise when we are in a negative state. Recognising patterns in yourself is the 1st step to changing your emotions. If you follow your awareness with a change in physiology, then you are bound to feel better and start getting more desirable results…

Step 4:

Feeling it

I hated school and really wasn’t a very good pupil. I wasn’t alone though and we had competitions to see who could cover the most ground by running away. One boy in my class got from Carlisle to Langholm by foot, that’s nearly 20 miles away. He was the school champion… I on the other hand, wasn’t a great runner and only made it a few miles. I remember my route. I would run through some thick woods which seemed to go on and on and were quite scary in the dark. I would get to this circular clearing, right into the middle and just stop and look up at the moon light. It seemed like such a peaceful place. I would often sit there in the middle and think about what life was like on one of the stars I could see. Hours would pass by and I would run back to school before anyone noticed I was gone… I often think about that clearing in the trees today, and take myself back there if ever I need some quiet time. The imagination is a wonderful thing… I go right back into feeling calm whenever I think about sitting in the middle of those woods, looking up at the stars.

There’s a wonderful quick tool in NLP called ‘The Circle of Excellence’. It’s a little gift I would like to give you for downloading my e-book.

Imagine you have a circle in front of you – it’s your imagination at work here and you can imagine your circle to be just as you want it – perfect for you. A client of mine has his circle like the circle that’s created on Star Trek when Scotty beams up the crew. Whatever your mind brings up for you will be just perfect. You can make your circle into anything you want.

How does it look? Is there any sound in it? Is there a temperature to it?

In your circle you can add any positive emotion you choose. I want you to think of the first emotion you would like in there. I’ll take confidence as an example. Before you step into your circle with the feelings of confidence, think of a specific time you felt confident. When you have a time, go back to that time in your mind and see what you see, hear what you hear and really feel what it’s like to feel confident again now…

As the emotion reaches a high, just step into your circle and imagine turning up those feelings. Really allow yourself to re-live those feelings and just before the emotion drops away (usually around 5 to 15 seconds), step out of your circle and make yourself aware of your current surroundings.

You can repeat this process with another specific time you felt this emotion, and you can even put similar emotions in with it. The more you put in, the more you get out so really allow yourself to re-live the feelings you choose to go inside your circle.

You can test it too, to see if you have enough emotion inside your circle. Simply step back into it and notice if you can feel the positive emotions. When your circle is full with positive emotions you could imagine folding it up and putting it in your packet. It’s always there for you to step into whenever you need it.

I’ve found that this tool is so useful when I’m feeling a bit down. I can just step into my circle and re-associate myself into the positive feelings I want – the positive feelings that help me take different actions to get very different results.

Step 5:

Finding out what we value in life

Value – Noun; The regard that something is held to deserve; the importance or preciousness of something.

I found this definition of our values in the Oxford dictionary. ‘The importance or preciousness of something’ – wow, that’s something worth taking into consideration when we are finding the essential steps to successful living don’t you think?

Our values around our life are really powerful and the order in which we rank them can be quite enlightening.

It can be convenient for this step to think of parts of our lives in categories. For example; Our life according to our Health & Wellbeing, Career, Money, Fun & Recreation, Personal Growth, Family and Friends etc. I imagine that you have different values for each of the categories. My top value for my family and friends is Love, and my top value for Money being fun for example.

Choose one of the categories I have outlined above and write a list of your values for that category. You want to end up with about 8 values for the category you have chosen.

Take a look at the list you have created and order them in order of importance first, so for example If I choose the category of Family and Friends, I have the values Fun, Love, Generous, Hospitable, Attentive, Caring, Mindful and Integrity. I would then rank them in order of importance, with my number 1 being most important:

Love

Fun

Caring

Integrity

Mindful

Generous

Hospitable

Attentive

It’s so useful to make your values conscious as it helps you focus on what’s important to you about each category, and helps you highlight any challenges you might have within a category. If, for example, I currently didn’t earn any money from my businesses and my values for my career were like the ones above, I could easily see that money isn’t in the list but needs to be a value if I want to earn some. By making the value of money more conscious I am able to focus more attention on it…

You can work out your values for each of the areas I highlighted as time permits.

Step 6:

False Evidence Appearing Real

Fear in our life can limit us in many ways; fear of forming relationships, fear of building our businesses, fear of failure – the list goes on… Fear though simply stands for false evidence appearing real. If we truly live in the now, how can we be fearful or anxious about things that have not yet happened. Only by turning our minds to the future can we be anxious. If our minds are focused on the future, we are missing the now…

Here’s a wonderful strategy for overcoming fear and anxiety. Again, this takes a little imagination but I promise you you’ll get great results from this strategy. So here goes; think of something you feel anxious or fearful about and with that thought in mind, imagine floating up and out of your body and above now so that you are looking down on yourself. Imagine floating out into the future to 15 minutes AFTER the SUCCESSFUL RESOLUTION of the task you were fearful or anxious about. (It’s impossible to be fearful or anxious about something that’s already happened and often, as you look back, it’s never as much of a challenge that you first thought it was going to be). You should now be 15 minutes after the successful resolution of the task. Notice how you feel differently now. Throw down your circle of excellence on the actual event (that’s now in the past), step into it with these new resources and emotions and notice how you feel totally different about it. If you need further resources to feel even better, add them into your circle of excellence. Only when all of the fear and anxiety have gone, float up and back to now, and back into your own body… How’s that? If you did associate into the future you, 15 minutes after the successful resolution of the event, you should be feeling great about it right now… Keep this strategy up your sleeve next time you have to do something you feel nervous about.

Step 7:

Change your language

You are in charge of your language and therefore your reality. Language is the key to your internal thoughts and the way we use our language represents how we interpret our world. Small changes in your language will have a big impact on the way you create pictures in your mind and will help influence your communication to others. It’s funny how we hear things the way we want to hear them. I remember seeing the police lights in my mirror a few years ago when I was driving back from a meeting in Manchester, on my way home to Lockerbie. It’s funny how I seem to get into trouble when I’m rushing things… Anyway, I pulled over and a young looking policeman came to the car. “Sir” he said, “Do you realise you were driving at 86mph for the last 12 miles. I thought to myself, there’s two ways to answer this. If I answer “No” then it makes me look like I have no awareness of myself or the car at all, and so I just decided to go with the truth and said, “yes officer, I’m in quite a hurry…” Not perhaps the best thing to say on reflection and I could tell he wasn’t best impressed with me. Anyway, he started to ask me all of these questions about the highway code and road safety and I felt like he was treating me like I was about 9. What about this, and what about that and aren’t you a naughty boy kind of thing… I started to get a little frustrated and really just wanted my ticket, I was in a hurry after all – have some respect! Then he asked the really insulting question. Sir, he said, “What would you do at these speeds if you drove into Mr. Fog…” I couldn’t believe it… I just thought – you little fool, and so I said, “Well Mr. policeman Plod…” I said, “I’d put Mr. foot on Mr. Break and I’d slow Mr. Car down… – How’s about that then?” And gave a disrespectful flick of my hair as if I was so proud of myself…

He looked back at me in a way that only a court judge would when they send people to prison for life, and said “I shall repeat the question Sir… What would you do if you were driving at these speeds into Mist or Fog…?”

What could I do? “I’ll take my ticket Sir, in fact, I’ll take 2…”

Language can easily be misinterpreted and distorted and it is just so important for us to be clear with our communication. Start to think about how you communicate to yourself and how you communicate yourself to others – develop your communication for your vision and mission in life. Make sure it’s clear and positive and say it often. The more you say it, the more you get into the habit of thinking that way.

Imagine you have a 30 second lift ride and you have to tell the others in the lift what about yourself… In 30 seconds, how do you describe yourself and your purpose on this planet?

I hope that you have found this article useful and informative. It’s my passion to help you achieve great results in your life and I would be honoured if you would like to join me for one of my free seminars in London. To find out more please visit my website below or call my office on +44 (0)1461 500 799.

If you would like to receive our FREE DVD series there is also information available on the website.

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