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A Day in the Life of a Zombie Nurse
I know nursing school is tough, and I’m willing to sacrifice my sleep to get my degree. I come to class like I’m from the walking dead. I got through the hard times in nursing school because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and there was. But gosh, can we just turn off the lights sometime and everyone go into the night?
Well, as you know by now I am a zombie nurse. I graduated 6 years ago, and I work on a busy med-surg floor. 12-hour shifts were the norm, and I worked my three-in-a-row. You might say, I’m a glutton for punishment, and you’d be right. Many nurses choose to split their shifts throughout the week so they don’t get tired. But me? Nah, I’m a diehard. I think, if I’m already working, I can keep going until I’m done, then enjoy less than four days. My boss thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll never admit he’s right about that, because he already thinks he’s Einstein’s ghost.
My day starts at a funny ace. I hit the alarm clock three times, but it refused to shut-up. It’s like Groundhog day all over again. It was so early that the bats were still up and flying. I opened my eyes again, only to realize that I had taken a last nap, and had one minute and thirty seconds to shower, change, eat, make coffee and drive to work.. . ! I cursed, then rolled my arms out of bed cursing and swearing that I would be smarter tonight and go to bed early, so I could get up early the next day. But it won’t happen. I’m such a liar!
I took a cold shower to wake up my lazy cells, then thank God and WonderWink I got to work in my pajamas. Man, I love my scrubs. I ran downstairs, opened the fridge and got a moldy, unrecognizable piece of fruit?, (or something) and I didn’t have time for coffee. Yes, I hate my life right now.
I look like Dog-doo because I don’t have make-up on. Maybe that’s okay with some nurses. You know, those naturally fabulous ones at 6:00 in the morning, but not my ugly butt. It was as if a bush was dragging me backwards, and it never failed. No one can shut their mouth about my appearance at work. It should be, “hey, you don’t seem to be feeling well,” or “wow, you’re tired.” Yes, I’m tired, and no, I’m not sick, I’m just ugly without my Estee Lauder Halloween mask.
Trying to eat breakfast while listening to the report was a challenge, even for me. Now, my stomach is strong but why should every one of my patients have problems with poop, vomit and pus? I listened as I shoved my half-rotten banana down my throat and envied everyone else’s McDonald’s. Everything seems more organized and fresh. I could hardly open my eyes to listen to the report. I got Ms. Nurse, “I want to get the heck outta here.” to give me a report, because he gives a report like he’s Speedy Gonzales, and he keeps saying, “It’s on the chart,” when I ask. Gawd, it’s been a long day.
I feel like I ran a marathon, and it’s only 7:30 am. Time flies when you’re having fun! Tests and passing drugs, not so bad, right? Haha, wrong. All my patients are trainwrecks now, on a million-and-one meds, and we don’t have half of them. It’s called pharmacy time, and I’m now doing the zombie chant, “I love my job, I love my job.” in strength.
I was already dreaming about bedtime, but I completed my reviews without too much trouble. Well, except for the sweet old, demented woman who keeps asking me to find her socks, (when she has them). The patient next to him thinks that the Mafia is plotting to kill him and Mr. Gross, who kept asking me to give him a bed bath. Tell me why I became a nurse?
I finished my charting in the morning, and I felt like I had hit a brick wall. If I don’t get copious amounts of caffeinated coffee, I’ll be on the floor. Time for a quick run to the cafeteria to grab some. Ah, what do you know? They have, but they are old and strong, they are about to grow legs and walk on their own. Anyway, I need coffee! So I paid their stinking million bucks for a large coffee and ran upstairs for more of “Nightmare on Elm Street,” starring my boss Freddie Krueger.
He was hell on wheels today, as he is most days. She sits at the table and orders us, and she doesn’t know what real nursing is. The only time she gets to rise from the dead to lend a hand is when the Joint Commission is here, and she suddenly turns into Nancy Nurse and makes everyone recite the mission statement.
While I was away one of my patients fell out of bed, trying to run away from the Mafia that was visited by the man. All I can think of is more paperwork. The patient is fine, but I have a hundred years worth of paperwork now. As I began work on the book I had to write, another member of the patient’s family came to visit. He wanted to talk to me, so I stopped what I was doing and hurried to the patient’s room. She told me she wasn’t a nurse and said, “I’m not trying to do your job, but a friend of mine works in a nursing home, and she’s getting treatment. And that she’s in the wrong class.” Hmmm, really? By this time I had reached my maturity level, but I was still trying to be good. “Well, let me check on that and I’ll get back to you.” I said happily, muttering under my breath as I walked.
8 hours have passed, I’m still flying like a witch on her broom. My charting is still unfinished, and I’m getting further and further away with every step I take. One good thing about being a nurse is that time flies because you can’t catch air.
At the end of each day, my bladder hurts from the need to urinate. I think I could win a hand peeing competition! I’m an animal! My stomach was rumbling from lack of food and this day was quickly becoming like stories from the crypt. All I can think about is getting the heck outta dodge. But overtime is fast becoming an ominous possibility. When will it end?
I finished packing my paperwork, and my patients are finally happy, (for now). Is it really over? My relief came, and I ran into his arms like a corny love story. I’m glad it’s over now. i can go home Yay! I ran to my car, noticing that the moon was full outside, although I could tell you that without looking. I got into my car, started my engine and breathed a sigh of relief. I looked in the rearview mirror and my mind jumped in fear. There was a scary monster staring back at me. Oh wait, that’s just me after a 12 hour shift from hell.
On my way home I reflected on my day. I realized I was a wreck, but in a good way. I wouldn’t take anything for the witches I work with and the little demonic patients I occasionally encounter. I love my life as a nurse and I wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world. It may sound crazy, but this is my life and I love being a zombie nurse. Maybe I’ll just resign myself to sleep when I’m dead.
This is dedicated to all my zombie nurse friends around the world. Happy Halloween Zombie Nurse! You are so amazing!
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