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I’m Not Sure If I Want To Save My Marriage – How Do I Decide?
Sometimes I hear from people who aren’t sure which direction they want to take their marriage. Often, on the one hand, they realize that things have gone bad. They often wonder if things are so bad that nothing said or done can make a difference. And a small part of them wonders if they would be happier staying married or if things would be better if they just let it go. It’s a tough call, because you never know what to expect when you try it yourself. Are you lonely and not very happy being alone? Or is letting go comforting?
I recently heard from a wife who said: “For the past six months, I have been estranged from my husband. Our marriage has been struggling for a long time. separate lives. It just happened. I started going out with my friends more. I became active on Facebook. I started staying longer after work and hanging out. And I knew there was a part of me that was embracing my new life. But the other day, saw the my husband where someone tagged my photo as out with my friends on facebook.My husband saw this and he was really hurt.He made me sit down and asked me if I want to leave our marriage..I don’t know how answer. My husband is very direct in trying to save our marriage. But I’m not sure if I feel the same way. I can’t help but notice how much I enjoy the little freedom. that I’m starting to ask for. But in same time, every time i think about the end of my marriage, memories flood when we were happy. I miss those times. I still have feelings for my husband sometimes. But when I thought about saving my marriage, I thought about the end of my new life and I was torn. So how do I know what I really feel? How do I know if I want to save my marriage?”
I’ve actually heard from a lot of people who have conflicting feelings about saving their marriages. Sometimes, these conflicting feelings are partly due to the conceptions they have about the process of saving their marriage (and these conceptions are often not true.) Sometimes, these people are not sure if they are happier. in their marriage or more content only. While I can’t answer these questions for you, I can give you some things to think about, which I will do below.
The Fact That You Have Some Conflicting Thoughts About Saving Your Marriage May Matter: I have to tell you that people who end their marriages in decisive and healthy ways usually don’t have this kind of doubt. For many people, it is absolutely clear and obvious that their marriage is over and that even though they are doing everything in their power to save it, they are in the end game. They are usually at peace with this decision because they know that they have reached it until there are no more roads to continue.
Because there isn’t as much confusion, there usually isn’t much anger, jealousy, or sadness either. It’s a pretty cut and dry process if you’re sure your marriage is over.
But, if you haven’t gotten to this point yet, you might want to ask yourself why. Do you have feelings of love for your partner that you can’t turn off? Are you worried that you haven’t tried everything you can to save it including counseling, or being honest with yourself, or saying the things you want to say without fear of rejection? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then perhaps exploring these issues will give you peace of mind.
My rule of thumb has always been that if you’re not sure if your marriage is over, it probably isn’t. Because if you are in the last phase of your marriage, you probably know that. But questions usually mean there are some issues you haven’t achieved closure on. And sometimes, addressing the same issues can change or save your marriage.
Examine your ideas about saving your marriage and ask yourself if they might be wrong: Many people who are not sure if they want to save their marriage have some of the doubts they experience because they are hesitant about reconciliation or the process of saving the marriage.
If you ask these people to describe what would be involved in saving their marriage, they will often tell you that they are afraid that they will have to go through painful counseling, or embarrassing conversations, or concessions that it is unfair that they strip away your personality and values. None of these things have to be true. The wife in this situation is so afraid that saving her marriage means she has to give up her new found happiness and social life. It certainly does not. She can continue seeing her friends on her own if she wants to, as long as she also makes time for her husband. And there is always the option to include him. Quite frankly, having your own life, your own friends, and your own hobbies will improve your marriage because you enter it as a happier and more complete person.
If this perspective prevents you from trying to save your marriage, ask yourself if you should look into the process for yourself rather than thinking about the worst case scenario. You might be surprised. Many people tell me that they are glad they took a chance and didn’t give up on their marriage. Because they really know that saving it turned out to be the right choice for them because they are happier than they suspected and the process turned out to be less difficult as they feared.
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