5.5 Where I Lived And What I Lived For Questions How to Avoid Raising Bilingual Children in 5.5 Easy Steps

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How to Avoid Raising Bilingual Children in 5.5 Easy Steps

While playing with my son today, in German, I was thinking about the various ways I could fail miserably at raising him. I think I came up with some pretty good ideas. I can fail miserably better than the average Joe; therefore I’m probably really good at it with respect to raising bilingual children. Fortunately, as with all things, time will tell!

Step #1 to avoid having bilingual children: Deny all existence of other languages.

Do NOT speak to them with, read to them in, or otherwise acknowledge that there are other languages in the world. If confronted with the uncomfortable question of “daddy, how come I can’t understand that guy?” just lie to them. They are children. They don’t know any better. Keep this up for at least the first 18 years.

Step#2 to avoid having bilingual children: Spend as little time with your bilingual children as possible.

This drastically reduces the risk of screwing up step #1. Anyone can have break down, lose focus, and accidentally use a “teachable moment” to talk about other cultures, diversity, and all that other unimportant stuff. It’s best to just avoid the temptation.

Step #3 to avoid having bilingual children: Be as discouraging as possible.

If they dare attempt to speak their “other language” make sure you point out all of their errors, laugh audibly, and then hurriedly correct them for what they should have known in the first place; us parents don’t have time to be messing around with the education, much less the bilingual education, of our children. That’s what school is for. What are we teachers? I sure don’t get three months off in the summer…

Step #4 to avoid having bilingual children: Make sure they have no contact with other children that speak a language other than the majority language, or worse yet, are bilingual.

If them being around bilingual children is unavoidable, like at school, make sure you always talk bad about other languages. We need to make sure kids understand other languages are bad, English rules, and everything else is “less.”

and finally… the most foolproof of them all.

Step# 5 to avoid having bilingual children: Don’t have children!

Taking care of children, teaching them things, providing for them, cleaning up after them… it’s all hard. It’s better to just not have children in the first place. I didn’t have children to expand their horizons or teach them more about the world and themselves. If you don’t have children, you certainly cannot have a bilingual one!

… and the bonus step…

Step #5.5 to avoid having bilingual children: be an American!

Don’t get me wrong, I love the red, white, and blue… mostly the blue. The facts are the facts, jack. American’s aren’t know for their bilingual prowess… however, I believe we can, and will, change that. Band together and let’s get America on the bilingual countries tour!

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